Unbothered Energy: How to Stop Explaining Your Peace

Are you tired of justifying your peace to people who don’t deserve an explanation? In this episode of Unfiltered Destiny, we’re diving into the art of unbothered energy. Learn why you over-explain, how to set unapologetic boundaries, and ways to embody true peace without guilt.

Whether it’s saying “no” without the three-paragraph essay, or simply moving in silence, this episode will give you the tools to protect your energy and stop over-explaining your calm.

✨ What You’ll Learn:

• Why women over-explain their peace
• How to define what peace looks like for YOU
• Signs you’re still giving away your power
• Phrases & practices for unbothered energy
• Affirmations + journal prompts to help you stand firm

Resources & Links:

• Follow me on IG: @theedestinyc

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:08

Good morning, good morning, and welcome back to Unfiltered Destiny, the space where we keep it real about healing, growth, and stepping into the woman you were always meant to be. You know, I'm your host, Destiny Denise, and today's episode is one I know personally that I needed, so I believe many of us need this. It's called Unbothered Energy. How to stop explaining your Because, you know, let's be real. We all had that moment when somebody asked, you know, what's going on with you? Why are you so quiet now? Why you don't come around anymore? And all of a sudden you find yourself in a TED talk or whatever. You know, you find yourself in court trying to defend or justify your reasons for choosing peace. And, you know, it's enough. Because your choice is your choice, for one. And choosing peace is just that. You shouldn't have to explain it or justify it. So... Let's jump into it, okay? But first things first, why do we explain? I believe, you know, growing up, we were always told to be polite, to smile, not make waves. And now that we're grown, we're adult women. we kind of have that conditioning, you know what I mean? And the way that it shows up as an adult is we tend to over-explain and we're afraid of the labels that come with not over-explaining or people-pleasing or, you know, things of that nature. Like, People calling us mean or being labeled cold, distant, aggressive. But when you think about it and you really take your time to break it down, it all comes from a place of upbringing. If the women in your life were just like, go with the flow, don't make noise, don't make waves, take up as little space as possible, then even if you... don't do it intentionally, inadvertently, some of that does trickle down to you. And then you hear all the stigma, especially for African-American women. You know, oh, she's aggressive, she's cold, she's distant. And truthfully, you're really just trying to find a quiet space in your own mind, your own peace. And that's, you know, particularly when we get the old explaining and trying to make it palatable for other people to digest. And typically that's when we start to backtrack and the peace is now disturbed. So let's define peace. For me, Peace looks like not answering my phone, spending a couple of hours uninterrupted with my nieces and nephew. Relaxing, reading a book, doing D&D all day, doing my podcast, all of those things to me is peaceful. That's how I define my peace. However, peace for you may be something different. Maybe you like to journal. Maybe you like to take a nice walk. Maybe you like to meditate. Maybe you like to go to the art museum. Maybe you want to go to a theme park. Peace is self-defined. It's not going to be a one-size-fits-all. It's not a highlight reel on TikTok or Instagram, and it's not an aesthetic. It's something that you have to find within yourself that gives you that stillness, that freedom to just be. Peace is not for show. It's for you. It's not about convincing others. I see a lot of... Facebook posts and TikTok and just social media posts in general about protecting my peace or anything that disturbs my peace. And I always have the question is, are you just posting it or are you actually living it? Because it sounds good. You know what I mean? It makes a good little reel or it makes people stop and read. But is it true? You know what I mean? Because you can post anything, but the honest question is, are you living it? Because it has to be more. It has to be something that you're actually doing and not something that you're convincing others that you need or that you're going to do. It's about living your peace. So now that we've defined... what peace could be for you, for me, for anyone. And we've also kind of gotten to the root cause of why we over-explain. Some of you may still feel like, well, you know, I stopped doing that. I'm no longer, you know, over-explaining anything. And I'm just, you know, telling people what it is. I've set my boundaries. And it is what it is. I don't over-explain. I'm not people-pleasing anymore. Let me just give you a quick, you know, just a little tip right there. So if every time you say no, it's followed by... a three-paragraph essay, you're still explaining too much. Like, no is a complete sentence. But when we start to I have to explain it. Even when not asked, you're just like, oh, I can't go because da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You have this long, run-on sentence about why you can't go. That's over-explained. I just can't go. I can't make it. That's simple enough. Another thing is, like... Filling guilt afterwards. I know that sometimes I struggle with this. If somebody asks me for something or they ask me to do something and I'm like, oh, I can't do it. It does. Like, I'll be like, oh, could I do it or should I do it? And then I kind of feel guilty, like, oh, well, what if they can't get somebody else to do it? And that's when I'm like, oh, you know, that guilt, it just starts to... beat you up after you made a choice for yourself you know so you're still over explaining even if it is to yourself and that's something that for me you know I'm still I still struggle with but I'm getting better with it. Like, if I feel guilt about, you know, my decision, I just tend to ask myself, Destiny, who's the priority here? You or them? And then you can ask yourself, if the shoes on the other foot, if the roles were reversed, who would they choose? You or themselves? And, you know, it kind of helps ease the guilt. But anytime you have to put a statement, a because, after your no, you're about to over-explain it. I guarantee you, you're about to over-explain it. So, how do we become unbothered? And when I say unbothered, I'm not saying it in, oh, be rude, be unapproachable. I'm just saying, just live, live in your peace, live in your truth. excuse me guys it is cold and flu season in my opinion because I am getting um sick so one of my favorite tools is the power of pause you know and before I started setting boundaries and just going on this journey to be a better me and becoming her I was quick with a yes oh yeah I'll Yeah, okay. But now when somebody asks me to do something or something comes up, I pause. I stop. And before I react, I just breathe. And I just say, hey, does this require a response? Does this require me to expend any additional energy? And then I speak or I don't speak. You know what I mean? So I don't try to go around and be like, oh yeah, okay. And have my peace interrupted or disturbed because I'm just talking, talking, talking, talking, talking. So you have to know how to pause. Pausing is powerful. And It's something that I'm going to challenge all of you guys to do this week. Or, you know, whenever you are listening to this podcast, give it seven days of pause. So before you react, before you say yes to something that you're not 100% sure you want to do, before you start to like over-explain or let someone cross a boundary, pause. Take a deep breath in through your nose, out through your mouth, and then decide what route you should take. And then I set boundaries. And I know, I see this every podcast. The boundaries are beautiful. And they don't mean that you're shutting people out. It doesn't mean that you're being obstinate or something of that nature. It just means that, hey, this is a line that you can't cross. This is a line that I've set for myself to protect my own mental, physical, emotional self is what I'm standing on. So we have to, have to, have to make sure that we're setting those boundaries. And I have some boundary statements that you guys can try. That doesn't work for me. I won't be able to make it. You see how that works? That doesn't work for me. I won't be able to make that. I'm sorry, I can't attend. It's no but, it's no because, it's period. There is no apologies, no long backstory, no drawn out explanation. It doesn't work for me. And, you know, it just doesn't work for me. I'm just going to sit this one out. I won't be able to attend. I won't be able to make that. Hope you enjoy it. There's no need to give them a dissertation of, oh, yeah, that doesn't work for me because I have X, Y, and Z. And, you know, I don't really want to be too far away from home. That's it. Period. It doesn't work for me. People who respect you and respect your boundaries will go, okay, girl, I'll catch you on the next go-round. Understandable and move on. People who don't... The test. They're going to press the explanation. They're going to say, well, why don't it work for you? I mean, what's wrong? What you mean you can't attend? Why you can't make it? What you doing that day? You see how that works? A person who respects you, respects your boundaries, is going to go, okay, girl, all right, I'll catch you the next go around. A person that doesn't is going to press for the explanation. And the explanation is just a reiteration of the statement you just made. Why doesn't it work for me? Why doesn't it work for you? It just don't work for me. And at that point, you make a choice. You can keep going round for round and sounding like a broken record. I'm busy right now. I'm going to holler at you later. I'll talk to you later. But now you understand that that person doesn't respect your boundaries. Give them an inch. If you give in this time, I guarantee you it'll continue to happen. Because deep down, we've teach people how to treat us. So if we accept it once and we accept it twice, you can't blame them because you never set that boundary or that boundary was set and you never stuck to it. So here's my mantra. Repeat after me. My peace doesn't need permission. And It's something that I literally say every day, like in the morning. Mornings throughout the day, I have this ritual because some days, my life is very quiet. I mean, I do a lot, but as far as my peace and stuff, it's very quiet. I don't have to worry about a lot of people coming at me, asking me questions, asking me to do things. But then when I chose to embark on this journey of becoming her and just Learning to heal myself, it puts me in positions and in places where I'm trying a new thing. So I do hear, you know, people asking me questions and a lot of other feedback and It took me a while to be like, you know what? The guilt, the over-explaining, all of that was me. And then I was like, you know what? I just need some peace. You know, peace does not require permission. I don't know how to act someone for peace. You know, it is what it is. So that became my mantra. My peace doesn't require permission. And you just say it and keep saying it until, you know, it becomes real. And still the guilt starts to lessen until you no longer have to put an explanation behind your statement. And it's not going to happen overnight because keep in mind, you have been conditioned your whole life to just not make waves, to stay small, to not take up a lot of space. you know, it made you a people pleaser. It made you over explained. So if it took you umpteen years to get that, it's not going to change overnight, but you have to be intentional about the process. Everybody, I tell you guys all the time, go to therapy. And one thing my therapist always tells me is about intentionality. Like you have to be intentional. If you want to make a real change, within your life, you have to do it intentionally. It's not going to happen by happenstance. You have to be like, you know what? Something has to change. And from there, you start making intentional decisions about your life. So understand that it is okay to... Be peaceful. It's okay to protect your peace, but it has to be more than a social media post. You have to actually be doing the work in order to get that done. So in closing, unbothered energy does not mean you're being rude. It's about being rooted, rooted in your peace, your truth, and your boundaries. Let me go back and say that again. Unbothered energy is not about being rude. It's about being rooted. rooted in your peace, your truth, and your boundaries. When you state that, you know, I'm so unbothered, it doesn't mean, oh, I'm so nonchalant. I don't care about people's feelings. I don't care what you, I don't care, you know, how you feel. I don't care what you do. I don't care. I don't care. That's not what it means. When I say I'm unbothered, it means that I know who I am. I'm standing in my truth. And although we have a relationship, whether it be social, This is what I'm doing. So you pressing me, you keep asking me the same question. It doesn't bother me. I'm unbothered by it because my peace, my mental health, my truth, my That is more important. And I'm sticking up for that. I'm standing on that. So that's what it means. It doesn't mean to go out and be a mean girl. Our journal prompt for this week, and I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do better at making sure that I post these journal prompts on Sunday. And I probably like a Sunday, Wednesday, Friday type situation so that you guys have it in your forefront to ensure that you're doing it. So the journal prompt for today is, where am I still explaining my piece away? And what would unbothered energy look like instead? So I know, you know, past week, past month, past year, we've over-explained somewhere. Take that scenario and say, now, what if I apply my unbothered energy? and just been like, no, or I can't attend, instead of giving them a four-page letter on why I can't do it and see what it looks like and try it out. I guarantee you, people who genuinely respect you, love you, they're going to be okay. That was one of my fears. I didn't want anybody to be mad at me or feel like I was being rude, but the people that genuinely care for you, it doesn't bother them. And those who don't, you know, they don't. And they don't matter. So you shouldn't even have to worry about that. But, you know, do the journal prompt. Let me know. Let me know how it goes. I love hearing from you guys. So I have another seven minutes before the podcast ended. And I did that intentionally because I wanted to share something with you guys. And just looking at the way of the world and things that are happening, it's been weighing on my heart to let you guys know just one simple thing. And it's something that you know, I battle with. And, but I, this is my, this is my mantra. Simple. It's going to be okay. I know that right now it seems hard. You feel like, you know, giving up. You feel like every time you get up, you get knocked back down. And life is really like becoming a Marvel comic book, Justice League, Avengers type of situation. And you're fighting for a dear life. But understand, You're going to be okay. And you might not feel okay right now, but keep going. Keep being intentional. Keep loving on yourself and loving on those who love you. And every day that you're on this side and you wake up and you're able to see the sunshine, understand that you're going to be okay. It's going to be okay. One day, one moment. one breath at a time. And I'm sharing this because it's been weighing on me, and I don't know why. I'm not a preacher. I'm not even a preacher. But I just wanted my audience to hear me say, if nobody else says it in your life, it's going to be okay. You're doing good. You're okay. And even the times that you feel like your life is in shambles, you're still okay. Sometimes in order to rebuild a thing, you have to break it down. And I don't know what you guys' religious preferences is, and I'm not pushing my religion on anyone, but I'm a Baptist. I'm a Christian. And I honestly believe in order for God to rebuild me and put me in this position where I'm doing podcasts, I'm putting myself out there more. And I'm uncomfortable because it's not something that I typically do. He had to break me down first. I'm going through the process with you guys. It's not, I don't, I haven't conquered anything. I'm still working it through and I'm bringing all of you on this journey with me. But even at my lowest, I have to continue to tell myself, it's going to be okay. Some days I wake up and I'm like, this day sucks. It already sucks. I ain't even, you know, make it out of bed yet, but it's going to suck. And then I have to reframe and say, you know what, Destiny? It's going to be okay. and get the promotion that I wanted or I forgot to post content and I'm scrambling, it's going to be okay. Because anything that is meant for you is going to be for you. Whether it's going to be today, you know, next month or next year, it's still going to be waiting for you. But you have to do the work and you have to be intentional about doing the work if you ever want to get there and you ever want to get it. That's just my little two cents. But again, I do want to thank you guys for rocking with me, not only on today's episodes, but always. Don't forget to share the episodes, share the podcast with your friends, families, anybody that you feel could use a little bit of inspiration. I truly, truly, truly appreciate you guys, all of your heart, all of your liked comments. It It really does brighten up my day when I read that thing, read them on social media or in my emails. And if you guys want to support, you want to buy your girls some coffee, I love coffee. There is a link in my bio and social media as well if you wanted to support the podcast. I am also looking for some stories. So if you have a story that you want to share with others, it could be anonymous, it'll Definitely shoot me an IM or DM or shoot me an email because I'm very, very interested in sharing some of you guys' stories, how you overcame. But I'm going to go ahead and let you go. Enjoy your week. Be peaceful. And as always, I love you guys. And until next time.