I’m Not the Problem… But I’m Not Innocent Either

Episode 11: “I’m Not the Problem… But I’m Not Innocent Either”
Theme: Facing your own patterns, projections, and toxic traits with grace.

Summary:
In this episode, Destiny unpacks the uncomfortable but liberating truth: sometimes, we contribute to our own chaos. She explores how to recognize repeating patterns, identify emotional projections, and take accountability without shame. If you’ve ever found yourself saying “it’s not me, it’s them”—this episode will lovingly challenge you to look in the mirror.

Key Takeaways:

• Your patterns are learned, not permanent.
• Projection is often an invitation to deeper self-awareness.
• You can’t heal what you keep justifying.
• Accountability without grace becomes self-abuse.
• Healing is learning to love even the unflattering parts of yourself.

Journal Prompts:

1. What behavior do I justify that actually hurts my peace?
2. What triggers me most in others—and what might it say about me?
3. What version of me am I ready to take accountability for and release?

Mantra of the Week:

“I’m not innocent, but I am intentional about evolving.”

CTA:
Share your reflections on Instagram Stories and tag @theedestinyc using #UnfilteredHealing — let’s normalize grace-filled growth together.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

I didn't leave cause I stopped loving them. I love cause I started loving me. And peace don't always coffee. Sometimes it costs. I used to try to keep the peace.

SPEAKER_01: 1:25

Even playing on the Happy, happy Sunday. Happy Sunday, folks, and welcome to another episode of Unfiltered Destiny. And I am your girl, Destiny Denise, and this week's episode is real. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna give it a nice prologue or a preface, but this episode is definitely real. Um, the title of today's episode is I'm not the problem, but I'm not innocent either. You know, sometimes we love to point out everyone's else toxicity, like, oh, that's that person's toxic, or that person is gas, a gaslighter, a manipulator, whatever um the cause may be. We love to talk about how they didn't communicate, how they were manipulative, um, how they did us dirty, you know, what they did to us. But what about the moments when we were the ones who pulled the same moves? Like, you know, just quieter, a little bit sneakier, prettier, um, more emotionally disguised. So this episode, although very raw and real, um, is not about guilt or blame. It's about emotional honesty. Because the truth is, you know, you may not be the problem. I may not be the problem, but I know for sure myself, I've definitely been the problem before. So let me take a moment with you guys. Um, there was a point in my life where I thought like emotional shutdown was just, it was, it was maturity. You know what I'm saying? I told myself that by shutting down, I was protecting my peace, my sanity. But in reality, I was just avoiding accountability. I was afraid of the reality. Um, and I was just trying to find a way out. I didn't want to admit that I had built these walls um and started calling them boundaries. You know what I mean? Because some people forget like a boundary and a wall is different. You know what I mean? Like a wall keeps out everything. A boundary tells a person where not to go. But you can still see, like you can still communicate, you can still um look over, or even, you know, when it comes to maybe adjusting boundaries or allowing somebody to, you know, maybe step into that boundary, um, is a whole lot easier than trying to remove a wall. Um, the realization didn't make me a bad person. And I think for me, you know, that was one of the things like once I got to this point, I had to realize that I'm human, you know what I mean? Um and just because I sat down in the mirror and I realized what I was doing did not make me less human or a bad person or a vicious person or a malicious person. Um, it just made me human. But it also opened something up in me. You know what I mean? Like even though people sometimes, if you look at um, you know, TikTok reels, Instagram, social media in general, they like to give you the aesthetic reel, the aesthetic 60 seconds of healing. But um, when you're on that journey, that healing journey, that journey to becoming her, it is ugly. It's an ugly journey and it's constant. And sometimes it's like you feel disgusted with yourself, you feel exposed, you're vulnerable, um, all of that. So that's what that moment was. It was a moment of self-reflection where the perception mirror um that I was holding up to myself grabbed. It made me see that, you know, healing isn't escapism. You know what I mean? Healing isn't like escaping people or, you know, escaping toxic people or people who drain your energy, even though that could be a part of it. Um, it was also about confronting the toxic patterns that we keep beating. You know, the saying that nobody does anything to you that you don't allow. The more and more that I go inside myself and I travel along this healing journey and go through these emotions and these steps, that statement, oh my gosh, never rings more truer. Because nine times out of ten, if a person treats you a certain way or they'll do certain things, it doesn't take from the fact that they may not be good people, but you also gotta ask yourself, like, how many times did I spend up on myself? How many times did I accept them disrespect and say, you know what, that's just, you know, J B and J, or that's that's just how they are, you know, whatever. I don't pay them no attention. Um, but in truthfully, it starts to chip away at you uh slowly but surely. So here's the thing your pattern, the pattern, your repetition of something that you do, that's a pattern, is not your personality. It's your pain trying to protect you. So that was something that I think we all need to kind of understand that just because you do it over and over and over again does not mean it's your personality. That's not just who you are. It typically has some type of uh root cause. It's trying to protect something, it's trying to cover up something, and typically is just trying to protect you from pain. If you learn that being silent keeps the peace, then that becomes a pattern. Excuse me, guys. Silence, people like, oh, don't mistake silence or you know, weakness or anything like that. But sometimes it's almost like if you're having a conversation with someone and you don't agree, but you don't state that you don't agree, you don't say anything. Sometimes that silence is acceptance. And when you keep on doing it because you don't feel like confronting this person, you don't feel like going into a drawn explanation on why they're you know your views are different, it's a pattern. It's something that you do every time you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you tend to just be silent and let it let it rise. Um if you grew up having to earn love, your chase validation like is oxygen. Now thankfully, you know, um my childhood, I didn't I wouldn't say I had a childhood where I had to grow up trying to earn love. Um, but you know, I definitely can relate to the chasing validation in certain aspects um of life because when you were younger, your younger years, your formative years, you may not have people step up, step up for you. You know what I mean? Maybe you were like a I don't know, super academic person who always got straight A's, and every time you had a award ceremony, you noticed that nobody was there clapping for you. You know what I'm saying? So it caused you just to go harder and harder and harder in school trying to seek validation from something or someone. But those patterns aren't who you are. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want to be silent. You wanna say something, you want to be like, you know what? I don't agree, or I think you're out of line, or you know, you don't want to take the high road, you know what I mean, or you don't want to be silent, or you don't want to agree just for agreeing's sake because you don't feel like uh argument. That's not who you are, that's just your pattern. There's the Bible scripts written during a time when you didn't have better tools. So maybe like, you know, you just notice that it is an argument or going back and forth. If you just be quiet, it kind of blows over. Or, you know, that person kind of just walks away, leaves you alone, leaves you be, let you be. So that's the that's the script. That's what you go to when you get tired of arguing, we don't want to argue, you don't want conversation, you just be silent. Now, is the issue resolved? No. Do you feel like crap? Most likely. But you told yourself you played this role so often that in order to survive this chaos, I'm just gonna be quiet. And that will eventually end it. The grace comes in realizing you can rewrite the script. Like with me when it comes to arguments, now grantedly I have been in a place of learning, you know what I mean? Because me, uh, it takes a lot to get me to a point now. Now, before, like, fool, not even a good five years ago. If you took it there, I was there with you. Like, and I'm not talking about matching energy, I mean overpowering it. Mouth vicious. Because that's just what it was. That's how I survived. Like, I I just attacked, you know what I mean? And I realized that I was doing it because that's just how it was a survival instinct in me. And, you know, it didn't, I didn't care if they got loud, I'm gonna get louder. If you go low, I'm going to hell. Like, I'm I'm right there with you, you know what I mean? Like, and did not care, did not apologize, even if I felt like crap afterwards. I don't care. Because in that moment, I was protecting myself and I was in survival mode, and that's all I knew. I didn't know how to communicate properly. I didn't know that you had to match, you you don't have to match someone's tone in order to get your point across. So, like I said, you just you can rewrite the script. You just gotta make sure that you get the tools to do so. So ask yourself what do I keep doing that no longer aligns with who I want to become? What do I keep doing? What are those things that I just do all the time that do not align with who I want to become? You know, that question by itself can change your whole trajectory of you know where it is that you see yourself, or you know, what it is that you want to be. So you you could do it, you just have to take the time. And for me, I'm a pen and paper person. Maybe you guys aren't um maybe like a digital planner, or maybe you're just a thinker and you don't really like to write it down. You just like to be along with your thoughts. But I would recommend fiercely that this is something that you do pretty soon. Because one, it'll just start becoming another tool in your toolbox of your healing jargon. Because like I stated before, the journey is constant and is not always is not always pretty and it doesn't come, you know, in a 60-second reel. Uh it is gonna it it gets messy, but the more tools that you have while you're on this journey, the more that you equip yourself, it it becomes a lot more bearable. So now let's jump into projections and the blame game. Projections are sneaky little mirrors. You ever notice that how the things that irritate you most about other people are often things that you struggle to admit about yourself? Think about it. Like, just think, because I know we all have that one person or that one thing that people do that just ugh, it hurts your everlasting soul. But then after you look at that, turn the mirror onto yourself and and see if it doesn't match, you know what I mean? If it doesn't, if you don't see that same thing within yourself that you struggle to admit. When I catch myself judging someone's behavior too hard, I stop and ask, is it me or is it them? You know what I mean? Like, I really have come a long way. Like, I was never a judgmental person, but sometimes things irritate me. Like, um, like a person's it can be something that they're doing that really isn't that bothersome, but it just it just irritated me. It just irked me to no end. And when I started this journey going to therapy and just, you know, um peeling back the layers of just trauma and hurt and miscommunication, I started to ask, like, even when I started doing it now, I'm like, and I knew no, you know what I mean? It's me. It's it's it's me because I see myself within that, within that person or within that behavior that is triggering, you know what I mean? So you have to stop and ask yourself, like, is it is it me or is it really them? You know what I mean? Like, is it me or is it them? So for instance, if you constantly feel like people are being fake, maybe it's because you're not being fully authentic with yourself. You know, like I tell people all the time, like, I I believe people are who they think they are at the moment. Um, but yeah, and when I noticed that, I used to be like, man, she, that's not a they don't do that all the time, like they fade. Like, that's a point. But I also realized that when I'm in certain places and I shrink myself to better become more palatable to the audience that I am, that yeah, it's just a point. Every time I agree with a decision, just for the sake of agreeing, when truthfully I don't agree, you know what I mean? I have maybe 16 points on why I don't agree. And that's me not being my authentic self. That's me being fake. And the reason why I could point it out at other people is because it was something that I was also doing that was uh irritating me. But because I didn't want to fix me, I could, you know, bring it out or talk about others that way. Another example. If you think everyone is trying to control you, maybe you got your own control issues showing up in, you know, in new clothes. So maybe you're controlling, maybe you're one of those people that wants to have everything a certain way, and you know, you look at somebody else and you're like, oh, you're trying to control the way that I dress, the way that I speak. But in truth, you know what I mean, you have your own issues with letting go or letting other people maybe just step in and help you, and you're just seeing it in a different light through a different person. And facing that truth isn't it isn't cute, it isn't aesthetically pleasing, but it is clarifying. It's how you stop repeating cycles and start building awareness, and that to me, with just within every single community, uh, is key. We have to stop repeating cycles and start building awareness. That's the only way that you're gonna move forward and move forward in a positive, healthy way. So understand this toxic traits do not make you a bad person. Let's be honest. We've all done toxic things while trying to survive. You might gaslight yourself by saying it wasn't that bad, or you know, I it was the wrong thing, but I did it for the right reasons. That used to be my thing. It was, I know it was wrong, but I did it for the right reasons. That's how I used to gaslight myself. Um, you might guilt trip someone because you're afraid of being abandoned. You might withdraw when things get real because emotional safety feels foreign to you. That last one, that's that was all me. Like, if I started to feel too open, like too vulnerable, too emotionally available, then I'm gonna ghost you. I'm gonna ghost the whole situation. I don't want to be around you, I don't want to talk to you because you've gotten too close. And I have an innate, I had an innate need. And as I say have, because I'm still working on it to protect myself. Like, I don't think that everybody is out to get me, but I haven't gotten fully comfortable with the fact that everybody is not out to get me. But none of that makes you a monster. Doesn't make you a bad guy, it makes you someone learning a new emotional language. That's it. Healing means holding space for your shadow self. The one who lashes out, avoids people please people pleases or shuts down and saying, I see you, but I'm not living from you anymore. And the only way to destroy your shadow is to step into the light. But also stepping into the light, you know, it's bright, it's blinding, it's new, you know what I mean? You see things differently. So again, it's a process. And do not beat yourself up if you're scrading between the shadow and the light because we all been there. Some of us stay there for a long time. But it'll get better because that's what grace looks like in motion. That's grace in motion, it's fluid. Anybody knows anything about motion? Motion isn't just forward or back. Motion is forward, back, zigzag, side to side, in a circle. You know what I mean? Like it isn't something that can be mapped out perfectly. It's just what it is. So when you realize your own patterns, you might feel a little bit of shame, maybe some guilt creep in. But shame doesn't change behavior. Awareness does. So instead of beating yourself up, try this affirmation. I can hold myself accountable and still be kind to myself. I'm not innocent, but I'm intentional about evolving. I can hold myself accountable and still be kind to myself. I'm not innocent, but I'm intentional about evolving. Now, I'm gonna take a side side step right click and let's talk about intentionality, being intentional. When you're on a healing journey, when you're trying to move forward and live your best life and live out your purpose, you have to become intentional. You know, learning to discipline yourself isn't intentional. It's intentional. Everything that you do has to have some type of intention behind it in order for you to motivate and not even motivate, push yourself to keep going. So this episode, you know, it isn't about being stuck in guilt or staying stuck in guilt. This is about graduating into awareness with compassion. A lot of us are really hard on ourselves, like really, really brutal when it comes to self. Um, and now when I when I look back and I just reflect for myself, I'm like, how can I have so much grace for other people and not ounce on that same grace for myself? Um, but yeah, when you start to become aware, and with that awareness, you you'll understand more and you'll be able to move more freely because you'll you'll start to get it and it's not gonna be easy. You know, you know, talking to that man in the mirror is never easy, especially if you're being honest, but it's worth it. So you can't control other people's healing, but you can stop projecting your pain onto them. You can recognize when your patterns are replying, and you can choose differently. You're not the problem, but you're not innocent either, and that awareness is your power. And awareness is, you know, is gonna be our next badge. Like we're we're we're gonna become, you know, more aware of the things that we do. Because in order to change something, in order to break the cycle, you first have to be aware of what it is. Because if you have no awareness, if you don't know what's going on, you don't know the background, how can you change it? How do you know what to change or what is even wrong? So awareness is very, very, very, very, very important. So, as always, is this episode his home? Tag me on Instagram at DDestinyC, or also on TikTok and Facebook, and share your biggest takeaway using the hashtag unfiltered healing. And remember, self-awareness isn't punishment, it's the first step towards freedom. And what I want for every single one of you is to be free, to love who you are, and to love who you are freely. I am wishing you guys nothing but the best this upcoming week. I pray that all your blessings, all the desires of your heart are, you know, aligned with your purpose and that you get whatever it is that you need to be great. As always, I appreciate each and every last one of you. And until next time, make sure you keep up with your girl, and I'll talk to you guys later.

SPEAKER_00: 27:03

You've been losing sleep, crying in the dark, tryna hold the weight of a broken heart. You smile for the world, but inside it's pain. You pray, but feel like nothing's changed. You tryna fix it, tryna stay strong, but some battles ain't us to fight on. You done all you can now here's the key. Peace starts when you set it free, that's what it is, everyone has to find just a full gets five It ain't wanna get one gets no heads up in the clear hands, two hands on the other.